It’s embarrassing. I probably shouldn’t admit any of it. I should probably just go on pretending I’m an upstanding adult, capable of paying a mortgage if I really wanted to. You know the typical soon to be mothers and father worry? “How can I be a mother when I can’t even keep my own life in order?” I have that before even considering asking a girl out on a date.
Does this ever change? Are there people who feel like they just always have their shit together? Goddamn, I fucking envy those people. The difference between success and living off your parents’ health insurance might simply be that. It’s not the skill really, or even the diligence. Your schooling might have something to do with it and maybe even your sorority or frat. No, no. Come on. You know none of that matters. It’s the little things.
I felt triumphant today. What did I do? I scheduled a doctor’s appointment. That’s it. No, really. That’s all. I called my primary care physician, asked for an appointment to get a physical and some particular vaccinations for Africa, was told the next available appointment was October 2nd, freaked out for a good 90 seconds by myself because I leave for Africa on October 1st (30th birthday, I’m an adult!), then freaked out for a good 90 seconds to my mom, and then did what I could to switch doctors and make an appointment before my actual flight out of the country in two months. In between this and that I went to home depot to make copies of the house keys. That chore actually made me all tingly when it was done.
If I had an eight year old, the eight year old probably could have handled it all better than I did.
There have been other challenges and achievements in my life. Solving my first division problem was pretty tough. Square roots? Fractions? Proofs? Ugh, let’s not bring them up. I was satisfied when I was 18 (or was it 19?) and finished the first draft of my first book. (Until a year later when I reread it and realized it was pure garbage.) I was sort of satisfied when I lost my virginity (until I considered how long it lasted and understood why she never saw me again.)
Beyond that there’s the doctor appointment, actually having car insurance, and coming home the other night from work to a clean room, a made bed, and a desk free from clutter. It’s the little things, really. Skill and hard word is just window dressing.
© 2013 Christopher Dart